hey...

well im very very sad,depressed,angry whatever bad mood there is,

im feeling it.

i wanted to rant it out somewhr,

but i couldnt do it on twitter

cuz people might misunderstand my 140words.

so i decided to rant it here.

so people may say im lucky and spoilt blah blah blah

but i nvr considered myself as one.

i dont know how everyone sees me,but i dont see it myself.

One, im not lucky. Why? cuz im literally stuck in between..

do you know how much it hurts when u see both your grandparents pass away

and u have only seen them 3 or 4 times?

do you know how much it hurts when u wanted to see them but you cant

cuz standard of living is high and just to go there is costs a ridiculous amount of 5k

for 3 people?

People say im lucky, cuz i can speak 3 languages naturally. im a half so what.

if i was a full chinese and migrated somewhere, then yes i shouldnt say anything

cuz it was my decision to leave everyone blah blah blah

but i didnt. i was born this way. born to be separated either way.

but no,no one understands how i feel and think otherwise.

Sesond. im spoilt. i cry over things i dont get cuz im da only kid.

well suck it up. i never cry over things. i dont cry cuz i dont get what i want.

the only thing i ever wanted and cry for was to go japan.

and i have a very good reason for crying.

i have never asked them to buy me a watch. i have never asked them to buy me a itouch.

heck i bought my own phone and itouch with my savings.

i have never asked them to buy me books, i have never asked them to buy me CDs.

i always tried to get them myself. i never demanded anything in my whole life.

until now.

yesterday my mum was telling me how her ex-colleagues son, who is like me a half,

is going to japan alone to visit japan. so i was like wah i also want,since air ticket to japan

is getting cheaper these days.

she said its possible for one person to go to japan. and since im already old enough,its okay.

she said that if i email my cousin and see how it goes its possible.

i was so super happy...heck i was elated on cloud nine!!

in my mind,in that few hours, i planned how many days im gonna go,when im gonna go,

where am i gonna go, how awesome it would feel.

and i felt that i finally have a goal to work harder at my part time job.

but all this crashed when my mum asked my dad about it just now.

one word from him crashed my wants...the one thing i wanted in my 17 years of life.

"no." as simple as that everything was gone

how can 1 simple word crash my world is amazing.

u may think im exaggerating but im not.

being able to go japan alone,freely was always my dream. i always wanted to do that.

i felt sorry for my mum if i was going to go alone, but then again tickets these days are super ex.

she had always say to go when i was done with my o levels.

scratch that not she...they. my mom and dad. when i started secondary

they said they would bring me to japan after i cleared my O levels, so i was looking forward to it for 5 years.

but many things can happen in 5 years and i lost 2 people dear to me.

standard of living raised in 5 years, everything went soaring high

going overseas as a family became impossible.

so going alone was the next thing in my mind

but just that one word everything i dreamed for was gone.

i realised. hey. im gonna be stuck in this country for the rest of my life.

i can never get out of here. i am stuck here. forever for the next 50 years or so

im gonna be here.

if the world ends tmrw, i dont really care anymore. because in the end,

my ass if forever stuck in the place of my origin. \

as compared to all da people who wants gadgets and materials isnt my demand simple enough?

i just want to go and experience my other half origin.

but what to do. life is unfair. it never goes your way. it turns the other way and stab u in the back.

next year 2nd week im getting my results. i have no mood to even think about it now.

cuz no matter how hard i may have studied, there are people who did tat 10x more then me

so in the end its just a cruel stagnanat society.

like wud that guy at the motivational talk said. if u have a dream and work hard u will be the 1% who succeed. if not you will be that 99% who that 1% steps on.so be it.

everyone changes when they succeed. i rather not.

ok my ranting is done. i feel better as of now, bt i think im just going to sleep

to stop myself from thinking any further.

people might think that im an idiot to think my life is miserable.

but everyone has their tiny thoughts. and i have mine.

so dont judge me when you dont know me. and actually'no one really knows me.