History.Memories. We all have them.
They maybe be happy or sad but many always tell us that memories can never come back and history will never repeat.
But i realized today that bad memories will always repeat no matter how many times we try to move on and erase it.
Many who knows me will know how close i am to my parents. They might not know this but i cherish my whole family. My grandmother, my aunt and her family, my uncle and his family though im not close with his family. I cherish every moment with them especially during chinese new year.
Over the past 3 years when we held reunion dinner as a family, i have shut myself in the toilet having tears of joy down my face that is how happy i am.
But now, this had to happen. My childhood nightmare has resurfaced. The other side who broke our family apart once has now entered again.
Honestly, i know i have no reason to have any say in this situation because i am a 'child'. i was one and always will be. I am always excluded from 'family' talks because i am a child. Even then during the darkest period i was 6 and even now when i am 18 and am sensible enough to know what is going on.
My first visit to the hospital to see 'him' was during the last week of august. I was very reluctant to see him because i had so much hatred against the man who crippled the happiness of a simple family. However now i realised that was just my childish thoughts. The memories of my family quraelling was imprinted in my mind and nothing could erase that. So with that in mind i was super reluctant to see him, i told straight in my father's face that i do not have a grandfather. after which i said that he scolded me of course, saying that even though we went through alot, he was still my grandfather. So with a heavy heart and a stressful mind ( because i was in the middle of my final exam) i went to the GH to see him.
Honestly i didn't know what to expect, his face was really vague in my memory because i rarely saw him but once i stepped into the ICU, i broke down. Tears kept falling and i don't know why. I kept thinking why was i crying over a person whom was as good as having no relation with me? Then i realised it was because i felt pitiful for him. He looked so weak and could barely even stay awake. He had tubes all over, and i thought wow, a man who was one so strong and mighty can become weak and bed-ridden the next.
after an emotional evening i left for home. I tried my best to look normal because i hated people to know i cried but i guess my dad saw because he told my mum who then told me.
My next visit there was 3days after and he seemed to be better, he could talk and the tubes and mask was off his face it seemed like my 1st visit never occured. i felt afraid. i was afraid that man would yell at my dad to get out but no. He just stared and my dad and my aunt who accompained us. Listening to what they were saying. It wasnt until the 3rd visit when i realised something. In my 3rd visit, he started asking my dad questions like what did he work as, didnt i have school, what my mom was doing, where we lived etc.
they talked silently with pauses in between as if nothing happened between them before.
Thats when i realised, we may fight, we may disown or yell at each other but at the end of the day, on the brink of death, a family is still a family.
I may have wrote it like that but i probably still won't acknowledge the fact that i have a grandfather. My selfish and angered teenage self will never allow it. Maybe in the future, as i grow up and understand more, maybe then i will say i had a grandfather who was like this and this.
i must have babbled alot here now. Haha, i think its a bit hard to understand right? but i needed a space to release my anger and cooped up feelings.
There is a reason why i sometimes grow quiet and i wish my friends would understand that.
Sometimes when everything is against you staying quiet and thinking about the situation calmly is the best.