Sunday, December 18, 2011

well im very very sad,depressed,angry whatever bad mood there is,
im feeling it.
i wanted to rant it out somewhr,
but i couldnt do it on twitter
cuz people might misunderstand my 140words.
so i decided to rant it here.

so people may say im lucky and spoilt blah blah blah
but i nvr considered myself as one.
i dont know how everyone sees me,but i dont see it myself.
One, im not lucky. Why? cuz im literally stuck in between..
do you know how much it hurts when u see both your grandparents pass away
and u have only seen them 3 or 4 times?
do you know how much it hurts when u wanted to see them but you cant
cuz standard of living is high and just to go there is costs a ridiculous amount of 5k
for 3 people?
People say im lucky, cuz i can speak 3 languages naturally. im a half so what.
if i was a full chinese and migrated somewhere, then yes i shouldnt say anything
cuz it was my decision to leave everyone blah blah blah
but i didnt. i was born this way. born to be separated either way.
but no,no one understands how i feel and think otherwise.
Sesond. im spoilt. i cry over things i dont get cuz im da only kid.
well suck it up. i never cry over things. i dont cry cuz i dont get what i want.
the only thing i ever wanted and cry for was to go japan.
and i have a very good reason for crying.
i have never asked them to buy me a watch. i have never asked them to buy me a itouch.
heck i bought my own phone and itouch with my savings.
i have never asked them to buy me books, i have never asked them to buy me CDs.
i always tried to get them myself. i never demanded anything in my whole life.
until now.

yesterday my mum was telling me how her ex-colleagues son, who is like me a half,
is going to japan alone to visit japan. so i was like wah i also want,since air ticket to japan
is getting cheaper these days.
she said its possible for one person to go to japan. and since im already old enough,its okay.
she said that if i email my cousin and see how it goes its possible.
i was so super happy...heck i was elated on cloud nine!!
in my mind,in that few hours, i planned how many days im gonna go,when im gonna go,
where am i gonna go, how awesome it would feel.
and i felt that i finally have a goal to work harder at my part time job.
but all this crashed when my mum asked my dad about it just now.
one word from him crashed my wants...the one thing i wanted in my 17 years of life.
"no." as simple as that everything was gone
how can 1 simple word crash my world is amazing.
u may think im exaggerating but im not.
being able to go japan alone,freely was always my dream. i always wanted to do that.
i felt sorry for my mum if i was going to go alone, but then again tickets these days are super ex.
she had always say to go when i was done with my o levels.
scratch that not she...they. my mom and dad. when i started secondary
they said they would bring me to japan after i cleared my O levels, so i was looking forward to it for 5 years.
but many things can happen in 5 years and i lost 2 people dear to me.
standard of living raised in 5 years, everything went soaring high
going overseas as a family became impossible.
so going alone was the next thing in my mind
but just that one word everything i dreamed for was gone.
i realised. hey. im gonna be stuck in this country for the rest of my life.
i can never get out of here. i am stuck here. forever for the next 50 years or so
im gonna be here.
if the world ends tmrw, i dont really care anymore. because in the end,
my ass if forever stuck in the place of my origin. \
as compared to all da people who wants gadgets and materials isnt my demand simple enough?
i just want to go and experience my other half origin.
but what to do. life is unfair. it never goes your way. it turns the other way and stab u in the back.
next year 2nd week im getting my results. i have no mood to even think about it now.
cuz no matter how hard i may have studied, there are people who did tat 10x more then me
so in the end its just a cruel stagnanat society.
like wud that guy at the motivational talk said. if u have a dream and work hard u will be the 1% who succeed. if not you will be that 99% who that 1% steps be it.
everyone changes when they succeed. i rather not.

ok my ranting is done. i feel better as of now, bt i think im just going to sleep
to stop myself from thinking any further.
people might think that im an idiot to think my life is miserable.
but everyone has their tiny thoughts. and i have mine.
so dont judge me when you dont know me. and actually'no one really knows me.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

stand by you-TVXQ

ah ha bloggin after a long week wheee~!
yes ive been i havent got my salary yet.sad right?
im depressed. HOWEVER
i went shopping today keke
ah ha went sommerset to look at forever 21,but they had nothing
so ah minq suggested to go bugis so we went
i seriously almost bought 4 checkered shirts.
but i stopped myself and bought 1 purple one ^^
keke i have more checkered blouses then shirts to wear out seriously haha
after that went to find got scolded at cuz i missed her calls ._.
luckily her break was extended so we just talked
and i ate jajangmyeon ^^
we talked and hung arnd and i realised she worked near me 0.0
yea surpring...seriously.
after bidding her farwell, me and minq made our way to bugis junction
i was looking arnd to find a present for my colleague.
found this super cool thing at the face shop and bought it
as i nvr been into a make up shop b4 its super embarrasing can!?!
but then i've always wanted to try BB cream so maybe one day i shall get one :/
i was seriously tempted to buy that package myself man so nice!
but nope i have to give away.
im thinking of buying christmas presents this year...but see how.
let me see if my money actually goes into my bank account =.=
stupid place. not da place i work at but the place. *cough*
better give me my money or i'll seriously say bad things abt it

ANYWAYS! today was a lunar eclipse!! *claps hand*
how awesome was tht? at 10.30 i went down to look at it
it was really beautiful. i mean its super rare to see it
there were alot of stars out there today. it was amazing. sigh.

oh yea my rents bought me a watch today...however i have wear it 24/7
cuz this watch has no battery, but relies on the body contact.
how cool is that? but i'll have to wear it 24/7 or it will stop :/

you know i seriously dont understand my rents
i mean last night they were so pissed at me and stuff, yelling at me
then today suddenly buy me a watch.
gosh sometimes i really cant take their mood swings =.=
then my dad ask me why i keep going out and i dont care about my mum
who fell while doing some grocery shopping today.
fine.ok.maybe i should go with them to shop for groceries, but
why didnt u help to assist my mum and another person had to help her?
why arent you helping her to put on some oil on her leg hurr!?!
SERIOUSLY! im damn pissed. tell me why am i so ignorant
well arent u too!? u were there werent u? seriously i was super pissed this morn.

oh well, after that i came home and started watching vids of dbsk
and felt better but i still harbour some hatred for my dad. i know he's my dad
but still, ever since 3 years ago, i dont know who is he anymore.
i dont know if i seriously can look at him as my dad. yes i love him, but sometimes
he needs to control his mood swings and stop being petty and sensative abt little things.
i miss the dad who made me smile, the dad who joked with me, the dad that smiled
and laughed at the slightest thing. where is that dad in you now?
please.realise that sometimes all i need is to see u smile and be like who u once was.

ok shall go off now..gonna go sleep ^^
nites :D