Saturday, October 29, 2011

Now playing:Duet-TVXQ (a very lovely song)

haha hi
i just needed a place to vent my feelings
and where not better but this dead blog?
no one reads it so hey!im free to rant
i know its during exams time so im supposed to be not using da com like this
and i should be studying my ass off,but im not
im gonna have to pay the price
and that price will be next year...
right now my aim is just C5 for all subs
at least it will get me somewhr.
i am a perfect example of a person who does not care
does not stand for what she wants
never trying
i bet i'll get stuck with a job i wont like
but thats life rite? we dont get what we want unless we try.
but then i hear 'O' lvls and the next word that comes to mind is 'nationwide'
after that comes in the 'top schools' which makes me feel dejected.
if people my class finds the paper easy, dosent tat mean its just a breeze for them?
people like them brings da moederation curve up
but thn again i think, if i worked harder frm the start
i might've be in the top
but no i never once pushed myself harder
i kept doing things i like.
things im not supposed to do.
if i were to get top, i need to be blocked from the social world.
cut off from everything. i tired but i cant
maybe i didnt try hard enough, i'm not sure.

i think im going to disappoint alot of people.
havent i for a very long time
i dont know this year though i have 1 less subject to worry about
i feel worse and stressed.
sigh. i guess its just me. im just worried for next week,
what im gonna face aint gonna be pretty.

well i shall go sleep now. its already 1.30am.
-lets hope for a better day-

Saturday, October 8, 2011

life is always filled wif ups and downs.

yes yes im back to blog again
cuz i cant keep tweeting. i think i seriously spam people's walls.
lets jut say im not myself these few days
i dunno if this is what they call 'stress' or mayb im just 'crazy'
who knows...i dont.
i keep listening to songs and i just feel pain.
i dont know why but i keep thinking about my past.
my life of 17 years here. what i seen with my own two eyes since i was 5.
i think i changed especially after my grandparents left.
it is something that i cant get over until now.

just the other day my mum was talking to me abt how she felt that day
i couldnt help bt to tear
bt once again i couldnt show her i was crying.
i dont know why i just dont want to cry in front of people.
it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
so many times ive tried to hold it back.even now.

i guess maybe because i was alone half my time
i developed the habit of insecurity and loneliness
the silence was my best friend ever since i moved out frm my grandma's place.
i nvr got used to the silence until now
thats why i always sleep in the afternoon until my parents are home.
at night i busy myself so that the silence wont disturb me.
maybe thats why i like music so much.
it keeps me company and talks to me in the lowest points.

its october, which means other thn my Os, its also that month.
i dont know what i am going through
but all i know is im confused and very whats that word to describe this
unmotivated? de-motivated? or just plain not interested, heck on the verge of giving up.
i got my report book. my points were so low, i laughed whn i thought of whr i can go.
whr could i go? no whr. with points like that, no.where.
even if i studied hard i can at most cut off 5 points but hello, we're talking abt Os here.
theres so many 'gifted' students among us hu just love studying
and not like me who procrastinated for most of the time.
its impossible. they say nvr say its impossible cuz everythings possible
yea for some, but for me, i know myself, i know my limits
and i am at my limit now.

i dont know what to do,i am so lost. i am just tired of everything around me.
for once i just want to break down and cry till theres not tmrw
but i cant.
cuz i am not weak.i dont want to be weak.

sigh.well at least i somehow got my feelings out i guess.
i mean no one reads the things here so yea haha~~ personal diary perhaps?
2 more weeks to Os, 6more weeks to the end of Os
life changing-yea. confidence i think i can survive this-no

Monday, October 3, 2011

The day one breaks down.

wow been a long time since I last blogged yeah?
Sigh let's just say things aren't going my way
I feel so...soo left out,feel like a failure,feel so tired
I feel like I can't go on anymore. Everythings so tiring
I mean yeah it's 3weeks more to Os?
Like aft 5 yrs of studying I'm here
but now that I'm here,I don't wanna go through it
maybe I should just leave this place
run to my grandma's house like I did last year
the jump down looks tempting too nt like i'm gonna be missed
it's only 6weeks more a little voice tells me
but what if I don't score well?
What I I can't go anywhr cuz I'm that pathetic?
Repeat Os again? I don think I can go through that
so why am I not studying now.
I'm just tire of everything.
I'm confused.tired.physically and mentally.
Who knew facing this was 10-20 no 100x more thn Ns
I chose the wrong route I chose the wrong doings
I just don't what to do anymore. Everyone arnd me is studying so hard
I'm da only one here doing nothing.
Well they have each other, I have no one
am I not the only one left out everytime? Cme to think of it
I'm no differen from her. Heck! I think now she gt more friend thn me
I don't know what to do,bt sit here, breathe the smoke in
and see hw da future goes.

a girl wif a messed up/crappe life